It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

親人的好友突然離世, 泛起心裡很多漣漪。

自從好幾年前參與老師姊姊的安息禮拜後,心裡便驚覺,原來不單父母會離世,一直與自己吃渴玩樂的朋友、那些一同成長的表兄弟姊妹,自己的同輩有一天也會離開。當然,這其實不算什麼驚為天人的發現,只是那次經歷讓這概念來得很近、很具體。發現自己原來沒有認真想過自己的朋友、自己的同輩會離開。自少便思想死亡,但多數都是想像,甚至假設父母或自己離世後的種種,從沒想過與朋友、同輩永別會如何。發現自己是多麼的難以接受。縱然我一早已明白壽歲的長短是在天父手中,但發現心裡仍然有份『囂幸』的想法。我們還年輕,死亡離我們還遠罷。

直至三四年前,家人的好友自殺;今天,親人的朋友心臟病發作,一切都可以來得很突然。昨天還在一起,今天便陰陽相隔。天災人禍、意外病發,全都可以毫無先兆。這一刻還是有講有笑、能跑能跳,下一刻只遺下沉寂默然與漸冷身軀。電光火石之間,留下只是腦裡的記憶,昔日的種種一幕幕浮現;笑﹣因為大家一起走過,哭﹣因為一切已成過去,永遠不能再回頭的過去。

我信復活,我也信他朝可以重聚,但這不能減去分離的不捨,那份割裂的實在。年紀沒有讓我變得麻木,反而越大越體驗關係、友誼的可貴。當功利主義在關係上同樣當道的時候,你還能遇上一個真誠無機心的人已是萬幸,機緣巧合下大家合得來成為朋友,後又因天時地利讓大家可在人生路上一起經歷起與跌,成為知己;向這些說再見是多麼的難、多麼的痛。

耶穌在客西馬尼極其憂傷、難過,當中不知有多少是不捨祂愛的門徒呢?彼得、約翰算是祂的朋友嗎?門徒在逼迫中,有否想起昔日與老師同行的種種?聖靈的同在與有血有肉地跟著耶穌走,到底那一樣來得實在呢?主耶穌,說『再見』,容易嗎? …

I never dreamt that I would get to be, the creature that I always meant to be

But I thought in spite of dreams, you’d be sitting somewhere here with me

‘Cause we were never being boring

We had too much time to find for ourselves

And we were never being boring

We dressed up and fought, then thought: “Make amends”

And we were never holding back or worried that

Time would come to an end

We were always hoping that, looking back, you could always rely on a friend

(Being Boring – Pet Shop Boys, 1990)

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